Here we are
It’s December already. Almost 2010. It’s been months of me not writing and losing the grasp of tumblarity and its slightly newish look. Incredibly I have no desire to write unless I am completely miserable. So me not writing is a good thing in ways. There is so much I want to say and so many experiences I want to evoke with writing that has happened over the past few months. We will start off with my security and addiction issues. I was secure for a couple months. Moved into a better situation than the last few years of my isolation and constant substance abuse. But that security is now up for grabs and I am now back to where I was before in my mind. An instance of panic and morbid thoughts. What will happen to me, what bad things will occur. I am always in this state of mind. A state of negativity and fear. I know when I was a child that this was brought to me full force and I just keep living this trauma over and over as I wallow in it. At someo point my mind could have been usefull for humanity. I just never took advantage of my brain. I want to live in another dimension of sheer mind, no body, no pain of any level. Almost like a floating dream of a constant orgasm you get from sex, eating, music, love… Barely animated heavy with a different conciousness. A world of your own, you control the music and visuals for your own soundtrack, or utter silence as if you fell into the deepest part of the oceans and had industrial strength earplugs in.. You just float on an opoid canniboid lull of awake and asleep. You have no worries of reality. Is this death without pain? AS you step older into this life it seems to get more complicated, more painful, more responsible. It hurts, pain in so many forms and the pleasure is none to much and addicting. I feel like such a dolt, a retard, why couldnt I learn. Why am I not viewed as smart as I like to make myself believe. Are we all just actors in life. The world is very different within my brain. Maybe too pleasurable. Too euphoric. I doubt people could take it. It would numb you as my pain does me. I can be everything in my brain, but nothing in reality.
