Lately
Don’t worry if the sun don’t shine
You’ve seen it before, you don’t need to worry
Every day’s an uphill climb, nothing has changed
Believe me when I tell ya
Well I think my Prozac must be kicking in as I am not crying for 6 hours a day and cutting myself with the green box cutter. (lame)
I have exhausted all of my options in life and my frustration at my impulse control disorder (compulsive skin picking or dermatillimania mixed with trichotillomania or pulling out strands of hair) is now making me decide to commit myself to an inpatient treatment center (or psych ward) I found some interesting information about my condition. Even though I was recently diagnosed by a psychologist with generalized anxiety disorder and ocd, I am in full belief I have an impulse control disorder. Reading about it I have discovered I may have more endorphin receptors in my brain than the usual human being. Also my glutamate is over reacting and sending crazy signaling in my brain.. So I may start taking a supplement that has recently been proven to abolish impulse disorders and addictions, like nail biting, skin picking, gambling problems, promiscuous sexual encounters; ect. That supplement is N-Acetyl Cysteine. It is also a powerful antioxidant and mucolytic therapeutic. It decreases the aforementioned glutamate levels in the human body which in turn reduce the need for endorphin picking fun. At times my arms can look as bad as this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Derma_me.JPG >and after the week of having the interview and not getting the job and a Starbux canceling my other interview my arms and face are ravaged.. I seriously need better help than what I have been seeking. So today after I sleep I get to call psych wards and treatment centers for an assessment. My entire life is pretty much shitty. I have but a month left on my lease and I can no longer afford this condo. I have NO idea where I may live and actually have planned on going to a sober living house after I move my stuff into a storage unit and go through a treatment center. Yes I am going to end up in a half way house. Last week I truly thought I lost my mind, and when I lose my mind I call Mark and ask him over and over “what the hell happened to us” and “this wasn’t supposed to happen to our lives” he was supposed to stay with me and not do the bad drug he did and we were supposed to become musicians and possibly djs. He has the music theory and I knew a lot about “electronica” and somehow that was supposed to make things happen. He was supposed to cut an album many times over for theatre organ as he is one of the best organ players in the world. He was going to teach me piano so I could conquer the mystifying synthesizer world and be more than prepared for it. But our lives slowly fell apart. Now I sit on benefit and wonder why I made the bad mistakes I did and constantly worry myself about how I am going to end up homeless and sick. Sick with HIV and possibly cancer and a killer pneumonia. I feel so scarred that no one would ever hire my crazy ass.
So I will die in a Las Vegas alley poor, alone, and in the 117 degree weather.
Speaking of 117 degrees I spent 6 hours traveling by bus across town to get to my counselor who had convinced me to go into a inpatient treatment center. Yes I fared the hell weather and on my way home I hauled the meager groceries I had obtained from the St Therese shelter food bank up the mountainous road of W Alexander RD. I froze a gallon of water thankfully or I seriously would have perished or spontaneously combusted. That was all too much fun, yes I love how humans have settled in one of the most unforgiving deserts on earth that is liken to HELL.. Where if you supposedly spend more than 10 minutes outside the shade “you burn”. And there has always got to be “the heat warning advisory” on the news through the end of July and beginning of August.. As you can tell I absolutely hate summers here. Who the hell likes this burning hell of a hell? Stupid lame shitty people… I would rather freeze my ass off chasing my spinning out on the ice car in the mid west or east coast any day of the year than deal with another summer here. A place where YOU DIE if you do not have air conditioning.
Oliver the cat has been licking a spot on his arm that is now bald, and I have no idea why. I just know he spends a abnormally large amount of time grooming himself everyday and he is THE softest cat I have ever touched. He has silky soft fur! I love it, but I think he has an impulse control disorder like I do. I wake up to him grooming me most mornings. Yes he licks my head constantly and it feel like I am being sandpapered..
I have been on Prozac for 32 days now and I have this strange dull headache. But I did stop crying. I do not feel particularly happy or motivated or nor have I stopped picking at my body ripping scars off my arms and bleeding all over the place… So much for antidepressants. At least I gave this one a chance and actually took it daily and even increased the dosage on referral from the latest psychiatrist. I feel strangely numb.. I still worry and pick, but now I don;t give a shit what happens to my fate. I am so sick of worrying and freaking out that I just do not fucking care. If I end up homeless then that is my destiny. If I lose all my stuff, furniture, belongings, memories, photos; then that is just how it rolls, hell I have lost my car, my job and my boyfriend, as well as my mother and an education and a decent career. Might as well be everything. I kind of give up. When my family tells me I am not trying hard enough it kills me even more. I have been going to doctors and counseling and a few psychiatrists. I have applied for 20 different jobs and only had 1 interview and a request then canceled interview that would have I would have totally rocked. Oh well. Homeless bastard is my destiny.
Anyhow I would have been very short on my last month of rent and had a possible eviction. But somehow, someway Mark intervened and has sent me $150. He basically saved my ass.If I were to get over this low point and hole that I am buried in, the last thing I would want on my record is an eviction. So yeah instead of enjoying the last month in my condo with my kitty, I will be in a psych ward.
I avoided going to a BBQ at my brothers house as it was my nephews B day party. Well it was the second party they threw as they had gone camping the week before and my family including my absent-in-my-life-father had gone, but I didn’t go as I do not own a tent and I had those interviews I wanted to prepare for. So yeah my sister made me feel guilty by saying it looks bad that my brother has given me money to help me out and taken me to interviews and I do not show up for my nephews party. Well I had nothing to give, no gift guilt and my social phobia about being around 30 people kicked in, so I flaked. Then got the guilt trip. Now I am too afraid to call my brother. He will just tell me that I should be living off re fried beans and tortillas and looking for work by standing with the migrant workers at Star Nursery or Home Depot. As he was a landscaper for a very long time and I guess I am just a pussy at life. I must not try very hard. I never really had a good mentor or parent that really taught me how to succeed and feel positive. I mostly got fear struck into my soul from my abusive alcoholic mother. As well as no direction from my father that now suddenly feels guilty about abandoning me. (But has not bothered to reach out to me) I say over and over that I was not prepared very well for life. I’ve also been told I need to re parent myself. I also am in full belief that I am the only person that will make anything out of myself and I know the values of hard work. I know that I want an education but the monetary aspect of it always makes me fail. I am a high school drop out as well. I have been working since I was 14 years old and as soon as I turned 18 I have worked full time 40+ hours a week. But I still have not amounted to anything. And my family keeps telling me I do not try hard enough. do they understand that I have been trying as hard as I know how to? That I have been covering up pain and dealing and surviving by taking drugs? It took a counselor and a psychiatrist to point this out… They also pointed out that I have been trying as best as I know how and I do deserve some sort of credit. But I guess that cycle of abuse in my family perpetuates. I know my sister will be a good mother, as she will want her son to have what she did not. As well as not having her son experience the hell that my mother had put her through. I think my brother will expect a lot from his son. My brother might have a cancerous thyroid and I should call him I do feel bad, but I am still afraid of him and I cannot stress out anymore than the box cutting my wrists moment.
Yes I am disgusted with life and no longer no my way. I am not successful, and I dwell on the negative. I also have huge insecurities.
