Never 4 Ever

Well my Kathy Griffin stalking didnt go as planned, she is a sly one sneaking out the back of CNN after her latest with Larry King. Anyhow I have been terribly anxiety ridden about going to do things on my own, which is super lame, but if you were inside my mind it is like the world is spinning and I am about to fall down. Or I am afraid I will knock something over in a shop, or someone is going to come after me and kick my ass for no good reason. I do not know why I have such a distrust for humans and the unknown. I am a prisoner of my mind. Lately as the days go by I am connecting with so many people from my past. It is like my life is this clock being set backward through time, my history is reversing and giving me such a different perspective. All the time I have wondered where these people have ended up and somehow I have connected with all of them through facebook. The universe is trying to tell me something, but I wish it would help me get over my anxiety and agoraphobia. I connected with the guy I ran away from home with when I was 16 recently, and in fact I ran away with him to Hollywood which is currently where I am stationed. My friend Jen has been super generous, she has given me a lot these past few days and I am so grateful, but deep inside I wish I would make the most of everything. I want to get out there and take photos of all this history and my favorite places around LA and Hollywood. Being out here is such a change from the arid uncultured Vegas I grew up in. People watching is so fun for me here. There are so many characters here that are so unique it makes me feel normal.. An odd thing happened when I was walking to get candy bars tonight, I saw 2 guy hauling shopping carts around full of junk and trash. It reminded me of that crazy garbage lady in the movie Labyrinth. I guess these guys just go around the hood and collect whatever. I am not used to so many of these strange sights from being in suburban Vegas. The air is so moist and lovely and my skin was totally breaking out but now clearing up a bit. The desert really sucks. Anyhow things have changed so much here in LA since the 90’s when I ran away to here. Things like raves are kind of dated and seem like grunge music in a way, dated… It makes me feel old, but I cherish the fact that I was a part of the rave scene when it was hitting its peak on the west coast. Now there is a style I cannot explain, fashion I am not used to and music I do not neccesaraly like, a lot of hipsters running around, and more and more gay people. Me and Noel were discussing how gay people are so much more accepted now, I think prop 8 really shook up things. I really do not agree with marriage, I believe gays should have equal rights, but marriage to me is too religous. So I think it is lame even for the heteros. So I finally bought some Human response from magnatune.com FINALLY! I needed it for my iPod when I go out to my zen place here, my secret garden of Hollyhock house. Even that has changed and they razed more hillsides and gardens to make way for the subway which is quite sad.. But I do have photos from years ago to record what was there. I suppose things must change like myself. I need to find a way to feel comfortable in my own skin, to make my self come together, I wish I could figure out what is wrong or what it going on with my mind. Recently I watched a video about research drugs and Alexander Shulgin and they had a clinical setting in which they gave this man a dose of MDMA and he kept commenting on how depression and sadness is not a bad thing, that it was ok and actually cool. I suppose this is true and I see it as a motivator for music and art that has transcended time. I wish I could open my mind up more and delve into a deeper conciousness. I wish I could find the words that explain the thoughts in my mind, the beauty and strangeness that exsists in my mind. I rarely find an outlet for this to get out. People can draw or paint, compose or diagram sentances so eloquently, but I feel like I cannot do any of this to the degree of which my mind holds. I do not try hard enough and I give up to easily when people spend their whole lives searching and creating what exists in their minds. I wish I took the time to read more, but reading gives me massive headaches sometimes. It has to be something I can really get into and I usually read nonfiction stuff. Blah

I am afraid of my return to Vegas life. I dread it, back to my sorry life. I dont know how to pick myself up to be something I want to be. I cannot go back to a shitty job, but I know that is what is exactly going to happen. Ill settle for something easy. Something mindless so I may be able to delve into my crazy mind without being bothered to thing too much about my work. I feel as if the true work for me that will make me happy and will make me create will come. I do not know when, and I am missing tons of schooling. Wasting my life is no longer an option and I really feel like time is running out. I feel like I am in a rush to be in that moment. I cannot find the path to get there though. Why do things happen the way they do. Why is my life so completly different than how I want to life it in my mind? It is so completely opposite of what is reality and what I am thinking and dreaming. I feel like I have to be magical or something to make the things in my mind happen. It is impossible. I do miss connecting with people face to face… But slowly I think it is happening again. I do feel a bit wiser, but I am always at a loss of words around people in person, I feel uncomfortable and stupid. I dont know. Right now I am having some major writers block. I saw a post from a person I follow on a few sites about him going to this extremely interesting bar that is 18 and over here in Hollywood, actually it is about 10 minutes walking distance from where I am right now. It looks like so much fun and the people are so outrageous, and I have this huge desire to go and meet him, but so many people want to be around him and want to know him, I doubt I would get any time to really ask him the things I want. I found out through his myspace that he is a mere 19 years old, and for the past year or so I thought he was in his late 20’s as his mind is so ripe and so wise. He has been through so much already in life that has taught him so much. I have this fascination of why so many people want to know him. He has over 400 people following him on FB. Why? I have like 40. But I KNOW these 40 people! I have been FACE TO FACE with all of them except Jan and Kirsty and this guy Mike. Do these people feel special just following him. I see him as intelligent and well lived, I see what he is been through, I see the pain he has dealt with. I can view into his mind like I do with all of my face to face friends and Jan and Kirsty. Is is hip and cool to know him? Do these kids feel special? I just love that he found me at a down time in my life, and shared some things that he had been through with me. So I have this connection with him. I wish it were something more, I mean I did perv on him at first, but I thought he was near my age, and I was lonely. Now I just wish I could sit down and ask him the million questions I would love to ask. I crave a deeper insight and nothing more. I feel guilty about perving on him. I am so not in his league. But how come so many people clamor around him. Am I jealous. I suppose, I wish I had a big following. But I am content with the lives that surround me, I am happy for my family and friends love. That they can see the true inner me. Anyhow this club sounds so exciting, but I feel so old and ugly and unfashionable to even dare to go, and I have no one to go with. Hell maybe if I had some twink boyfriend. I have been through a lot in my life. I have experienced many men intimately, more than I probably should. But I have had really great boyfriends, I have hurt a few, but most have hurt me.  So thinking of this guy I do not know why I am obsessed with what he is living. I once said I wish I could live a billion different lives, I crave everyone experiences, and I tend to live vicariously through people and not live my own life. I do not know the meaning of anything, I am not religious, I do not know if I believe in reincarnation, and I have a hard time with Karma, I totally think things are random and you have your own huge part in what happens good or bad. But I do feel like forces work against me negatively for the most part. I know I must work hard to get what I want out of life. But there is this balance of how people perceive me and treat me that really fucks me up. I suppose I wish I could live vicariously through this boys life, it seems so fun and interesting, and that is the way I am sure most perceive it. But I have my own life to live. Why do I want to experience other people so much. Why do I not want to just be me? Am I that uncomfortable in my own skin. Anyhow it is getting too late to be pondering such circumstance. I need to get over it and focus on creating my own interesting experiences. In my mind, I have different clothes on, my wardrobe is infinite, and interesting. In my mind my face isnt so pimpley, and my arms arent scared from OCD wackness. I have better shoes in my mind, and I have all these things I dream about that I want, all these objects I lust for. I drive an old BMW 2002 that works, I can draw and compose music. But one thing is certain. The music I love, the music I covet, the music I have discovered thus far, is true and certain. The symphony of sounds in my mind orchestrates many vivid visual and emotional objects, I cannot express how I can create so much different music within my mind, but I only know one outlet that I studied and that is violin, it doesnt cover the broad spectrum of what I could use to create music. My mind is every instrument in the universe, but somehow I cannot find those instruments that are reality and learn them and compose what is happening. It is maddening, I can create a zillion songs within my brain, but I have no outlet, no way to record them. No way to express the one true thing I am comfortable about. These thoughts are so true and real to me, and I cannot find a way to share them with the world. Fuck I am too neurotic.