Never 4 Ever

I am searching for the words to try to explain what I am currently experiencing. Currently I just had a meal of Penne Bolegnase(sp?) from Trader Joes which was deliciously filling like a red wine. I landed here in Hollywood and my mind is exploding with anxiety and unfounded creativity. I suppose I need to be around this certain energy of which I am not used to, that puts me out of my comfort space. It helps me learn a lot of things about my simple mind. When I am around the friend that brought me out here as a treat to escape my dwindling life I feel happy. We can share insecurities without judgment of each other. We grew up in volatile families that I suppose made us the people we are today. Learning that I probably am the worst judge of myself, and that I feel so terribly uncomfortable in my own skin desperately disconnected from my own mind really makes me feel like I have a terrible time trying to communicate with people around me. I am very very meek and shy. Cannot ask for things and am stuck suffering wishing that certain people just read my mind, as it would be so much more enlightening and interesting than when I communicate through words. Constantly I go over what I have learned in life, what I have learned in school, and mostly how I have engineered my own form of learning. Ever since age 15 I have been experiencing life through a variety of drugs, which in my psychoactive mind has given me such a heavily different perspective on the world. I was heavily influenced by my talented sister and brother. Learned my addictions through my tortured soul of a mother. A mother that never had time to find herself I suppose. Busy trying to raise children and make us survive and giving us what we needed, and lacking many things that would have furthered our minds. I feel this great need to express how I feel and writing seems to be the best outlet for my million mile per hour mind. I am not someone who can easily walk down the street, somehow I have become so guarded and insecure yet benevolent towards others. I am meek. I hate to bother people when I clearly most likely am not. I just do not want to piss anyone in life off. I am  purely full of love and I accept any soul that comes across my path. I am blind to judgment, and I never make a full judgment until something happens that is either bad or good I suppose. I hate judging. Mostly I wish to obtain the same qualities of the other persons soul if I view them as good. Always I think people already dislike me from either my appearance or what mildly falls out of my mouth. Stupid communication problems. If telepathy was only evolved my communication would be so poetic and divinely musical. Emotional suicide is a daily occurrence for me. As I age daily I feel slightly wiser in my own insightful. But still have a hard time communicating with other humans. My ponderous thoughts about other reach so far and wide and cross so many social classes I do not have a type of person I enjoy being around. I just know true to my heart when someone is kind to let me view the love and kindness in their soul I am elated and give the love back a million fold. Holding the “nice” person upon a pedastool. I will read certain people that really put my mind in a trance. Lately it has been Kirsty Hawkshaw’s blog on her myspace. If you do not know who she is then you should learn. I suppose I felt discomfort from her as when I met her in Second Life I assumed she had called me “a reject from the 90’s” but when I inquired from a mutual online friend she assured me she was talking about someone else who was wearing dreads hanging around the same area.. I just really wouldn’t ever judge anyone like that I suppose. So in a way it really put me off, as this woman Kirsty Hawkshaw I hold upon a pedastool for her musical accomplishments and her wise insights on life and health. I do not feel as I guess you could say as smart as her, so seeing those words really tensed me up and I actually threw up. I didnt know if I was being attacked or if this was my delusional mind. Till this day I do not know which way I am convinced, but Kirsty has apologized in her writings about ever hurting anyone and asking for forgiveness and forgiving people that have hurt her. I do not know if this her way of letting go of whatever energy to let better energy to flow back to her. I ponder such things quite extensively, but on earth more than books, I think she communicates mostly the way I wish I could sometimes. She can search for the right words that just click together nicely eloquently and shaved of any garbage or unneeded thoughts. I adore that in her, but I see she is a guarded person. I suppose my generation came into the online thing, and I think that I understand her Face to Face analogy, but to me being online has opened up an entire world I was unable to connect with. I do not have Frenemies or whatever she has called them. As why would anyone be interested in me?? No one seems to be.. I barely have real life friends I spend my time with except for the people I have searched high and low for that friend that are most like myself or my own mind. Which leaves really only less than 3 or 4 people. I feel like some people might think I am trying to hard to get to know them, but I am desperate for their communication, it might validate what I am thinking. But some people do not communicate with me as much as I would like and it saddens me to a high extent. But why should they waste their valuable time on me. No matter how nice I may be, or how much i promote their work or talk about them. I wonder why I do not spend time working on furthering my knowledge instead of promoting others….

My mind is so deep I just cannot get the words out and it is so frustrating. If you could only hear the myriad of my thoughts it would explain so much better and so much detail. Communication would flow better. Maybe if I recorded myself alone it might be a creative idea. I just get shy as I start to think about who might hear it instead of just getting it out. Id love to record the conversations I have with my counselor, who I hold in a high regard. It is so easy tom communicate with him, and I have never had a person make me think so deeply to voice my mind so hard before. I owe him a letter currently. I wish I had the ego and balls to go out into Hollywood and find a cafe to work at. But again paranoia ruins my soul. I feel stared at, like who is that boy with the awful skin and why does he think he is something he is not. I hide, I want shield. I coward. I never really get people that make thier way to meet me, maybe I put out such a bad vibe of uncomfortable, as it leads people to avoid me…

So Hollywood is not the shit hole or the fabulous most might judge it by. It was my sanctuary. It was a place I escape when I was being beat at home with dog chains.. It was a place to escape my abusive mother, it was a place I discovered myself and who I really was and my like and dislikes on a higher philosophical level. I place I came to sort out my brain matter. A place I learned about history, about travel, about architecture and art. I was a part of something. I was protected by true honest friends instead of being tortured at home. So when I am here, I see the history, the old buildings like the 1920’s apartment I am surrently staying in now, that has such interesting innovations I wish they had carried over into the Millenium. It was a culture overload for my mind at 17 and now at 30 after my panic attacks subsided, I see things a bit differently. I see the old architecture, I feel the energy of the history here, I see the unique people I do not normally see in Las Vegas. It is so much most city minded then the suburbs and strip life of Las Vegas. I enjoy it as I feel there are strange erratic people I would love to connect with. Music defines my soul and this is a mecca for it. My friend has been so kind to make me as comfortable as possible and I am grateful fo that. Today after I get some sleep as it is almost 4am I am on my own for most of the day.. I am trying to figure out what the hell to do, and my budget restricts me from buying the music and clothes I would love to splurge on. I have realized pot makes me too paranoid especially around people I do not know well. I hate it in a way now. I haven’t been liking it lately and it is a good sign. I do crave a mind trip though. I dunno its a weird thing with me I suppose. Maybe I am finally growing out of the need for it, for it to dull the pain of childhood. The urge to go out and snap photos are so great, but I hate to look touristy, and I wish I had a car to get to the destinations I wish to record. But walking and public transport is the name of the game. I am determined to ride to subway here. Ive never been on one and it is fine time I had the experience. There is so much I want to say, but I am actually getting a but sleepy. I wish to write more but I cannot control the disconnected words. Currently I am craving companionship. I would love to connect with someone like minded and explore each others minds and body’s… I am lonely in the arena. My anti social tactics do not work well for me. But it is hard for me to just talk to someone unknown.. It is so much easier online. Anyhow I have been reading Kirstys blog much and it makes me want to be a better healthier person. I doubt i would ever be able to connect with her again in life.. Why should I care so much? Because she is so enlightened and intelligent. I feel unworthy I suppose and after the second life thing I dunno I am just socially retarded. I guess getting beat up in high school so much for being gay or listening to music other didnt really put my social skills in a downward spiral. I feel like a half functioning adult. My body tenses up so bad around strangers I feel like my muscles would snap.. It is getting late, and I need to take my heavy duty antiretroviral drugs and pass out on the newly bought air mattress the cat here has commandeered.