Never 4 Ever

Blah are you over it yet? I used to hang out at Cafe Roma and also Cafe Cophio every single moment I could as a teen and before it was fire bombed. My ex girlfriend was Tami Silbaugh I dont know if you might know her? So years later after the death of my mom I come to find out the guy I was with for many years since I was 14 had become a major tweeker, he was slamming it into his veins and fucking anything that had a moist hole... He got the HIV and passed it to me, for a long time I suspected something was wring with me but he never fessed up. So about 2 years ago I got the test and my world essentaially fell apart. I was taking anything that could make me feel sleepy and I would pass out at my computer and shit all the time, or burn my bed up with cigs and awfulness like that. The guy I was with the past 6 years never got infected thank goodness. He took care of me as much as he could until I think I drove him away. Then I crashed my fast german car, got laid off and had panic attacks every waking moment. I didnt talk to my bro and sis and I finally woke up and realized I was going to miss out on their love and understanding and my nephews lives. So I got back into talking to them and seeing them again. I suppose I can hide away really well. I lost most of my friends except for this girl named Kerri that supplied me with pot and pills whenever I could get it.. I came onto facebook as much as I hated it, I had a decent myspace then realized it was so lame, such a bullshit thing I guess and deleted it. Then I caved and started following a lady I admire who is a huge influence on me, her name is Jan Hanford and she is like 50 but 20 at heart and looks not a day over 34, she is an amazing muscian and eventually her and her ex husbands software company took off and she was able to afford deeper finer things in life, her doors fianlly opened more for her.. She deserves all of this for all that she has sacrificed in life and been through.. she lives in London and San Rafeal, CA. She really is an amazing lady I suppose I live vicariously through her and hope to emulate her, not because she is probably worth zillions, but because SHE MADE IT IN LIFE. She has been through a fucked up childhood like me and I am sure a lot of others, worked her ass off and is an honest caring loving real women. She is beyond what words can describe, and anyone who is as humble as her and plays a moog and loves mellotrons just melts my heart. I had met her through a Kathy Griffin forum a couple of years ago and I have been hooked ever since. I follow her blod religously, and she has inspired me to write my own blogs.. She is nice enough to talk to me, and care for me from afar which is nice when you are feeling like slime and want to die. The fact that someone that brilliant would even pay me a speck of attention makes life worth living for me in this strange way. It is like if your favourite artist talked to you and supported you emotionally time to time.. I am I supposed obsessed with her. She knows many people that are quite famous for their art and music and has given me the opportunity to meet them either through her or my own volition. So she is sort of like a door opener in life. She is fabulous wonderful and any positive lovely word I could ever have in my limited vocabulary. Sorry to gush, I just like to express my love for her. she is at http://janhanford.typepad.com and at janhanford.com. She has traveled to places I wish to go in life and chronicled it for so many to read and see. She is also from Pennsylvannia which is where my family hails from. She is into so many different form of music and art it blows my tiny brain yet opens it to so many possibilities, so I am grateful the universe let me find her... So here I am now, on unemployment and wondering where the hell I am going to live after August, what will life hold for me, where will I work, will I go to school. Will I become something I can build confidence upon. So many worries for me.. I am just happy I found my friends from the past. One in paticular is a fucking great artist, her name is Jennifer Miller and I went to Bonanza HS with her and we were in orchestra together, she played cello. I think you should befriend her as her art is mind blowing and simply amazing. I havent talked to her in probably 5-6 years and was always deperatly searching for her. We were very goth in school and I am so happy that I had her as her companion. She loved Siouxsie as much as I and there is so much to tell about her, we grew up with evil mothers and shitty houses in the same neighborhood. She eventually escaped to California and now works in Hollywood at a very decent job. She bought me a plane ticket to see her for 10 days and catch up on years missed. She seems happy and I hope to follow in her footsteps as well. She decided to stop letting life suck and now she is successful and on the way to becoming bigger than life itself. I see her art taking her miles high. I have missed her so much and am happy to have found her, and for her to be so nice to fly me out in June to see her totally kicks arse. She is another brilliant lady like Jan Hanford. We loved the same kind of music which is important to me! Right now my bro and sis are supporting me a lot and I am terribly greatful. I'd be homeless if I didnt have them. So I hope I can repay them somehow in the future. Ahh my father, hmmm not much about him as he wasn;t there, and now that he is old and ill he wants to talk to me again. But that is another novel sized story. So this is some of me in a mad nutshell rambling full of tangients and misplellings. I hope you didnt mnd. I am also going to blog this as I like to blog my communications so I have it in one place and people can kind of see the wacky brain matter in my head. Anything this long I write I would like to document in my own little story of my life so far. So what are you like, did you grow up here? What schools did you go to, what is life like for you?