Never 4 Ever

Ok, I haven’t been blogging lately as I have been addicted to facebook. Let’s see what have I been doing lately…

Well Friday I had my counselors appointment which is quite far from where I live. So my routine is to hurdle down Alexander Rd which lies on Lone Mountain partially then bike down another not so steep road to get to a bus stop. Lock bike up at park cause I hate taking my bike on the bus as sometimes there is no room on the racks and you can be stuck for another hour possibly. Then I take about 3 busses for anywhere from 2 ½ - 3 hours to get to my destination in a weary urban decayed part of town. I have a bus pass from AFAN which I literally cried for and my case worker must have took pity on me ($4 round trip for the bus here) so I am thankful for that. Anyhow I have a great appointment with my counselor dude. I was supposed to see Sin Sity Sisters to get help with my co-pay for my Atripla ($27.50) which is an antiviral drug that would usually cost $2,000 without insurance. But I was late by 20 minutes as the busses were running behind and I didn’t make my transfer on time. (FUCK) So my counselor dude said to call the guy I was meeting with and explain how I only had 2 pills left and wouldnt make it through the weekend. Ask him to meet me Saturday. Which is what I did when I finally got home. The Sister agreed to thank goodness. So Saturday I braved another scorching day on bus hell to meet the Sister of Sin. It is worth it, I am trying to get as much help as I can that is out there. They run a Aids Drug Assistance program called Sisters Aids Drug Assistance Program or SADAP for short.. Bless them for doing this for the community. So I will find out on Monday morning if I my paperwork was accepted and I can get some monetary relief with copay.

I was stressing the f out cause I am totally broke and totally out of food. But my real Sister came by today and saved me with essentials like FOOD and Laundry detergent, cleaners as I was cleaning up my condo which was pretty messy as when I am depressed the last thing I do is clean. She also helped me clean =0) yay. Sister to the rescue. She gave me $20 as well to see me through till Tuesday or Wednesday when my unemployment comes in. I am much relieved. Happy to have family that helps me. I would so be lost without them. Monday I also see the counselor again. Heat and bus hell again, and I broke my headphones which really angers me. But I have a back up pair that aren’t as good but better than nothing. So yes I see my counselor Mondays and Fridays. It’s a good thing and it gets me moving and out of the house. I am also going to Social Services sometime this week to get on food stamps and help me pay my 160 dollar gas bill and my 140 dollar electric bill. I never thought I’d be such a poor ass. But I have to get out and get this help or I am going to sink. 13 days till Hollywood. I am nervous as fuck cause I will not have much money to spend there and I don’t know what I am going to do when Jen is at work. I do not like the idea of walking around Hollywood by myself. But I just may, if people in New York can do it then I can do it in LA. My brother and his wife are in New York as well, sent me a pic of ground zero, and Kristina took pics of Frank Lloyd Wright ( I think at the Met) so that is awesome. Apparently they went and saw where John Lennon was shot.. Strawberry Fields Forever… Can’t wait till they get back.

I started taking the SSRI Cymbalta again about last week. But I keep getting horrible headaches and not sleeping well at all. I am not staying up till 6 am anymore though which is good, and actually getting up before noon. I guess this is just how my clock works. I am so used to working a swing shit. So today I didn’t take any Cymbalta, plus it has some horrific side effects and if you come off it after it starts its anti depressant qualities it can be dangerous. I do not like that and I do not want to be a zombie. I have been super good with my picking at my arms and face habit as I know I am going to be in Hollywood and I do not want to feel ugly. Also getting very very tan. The sun helps clear up the wounds as well. When my sister in law gets back we are dying each others hair. Her purple and me blue. I also want a mohawk very badly as I have never had one. Suddenly lately I feel a lot happier as I have connected with so many people from my past and even met some new peeps as well. So I do not feel so alone and friendless. Hence my addiction to facebook! Even divafabalicous Kirsty Hawkshaw accepted my friend request. I have been catching up with everyone and that is so nice. I also got my labs last week for my HIV and instead of 111,000 copies of the virus per milliliter of blood I have just 48 copies pmL. So basically I am “undetectable” and my t-cell count has gone from below 200 to 315. So I am getting healthy. I do actually feel better and I am sure all the bike riding and traveling by bus has helped me much. I did talk to Luc to give him the updates and he seems happy for me, but it is still sad he doesn’t call me on his own volition. Oliver the Cat is pleased the house is cleaner, he seems a bit happier and not so talkative. You know its bad when your kitty is sweeping the floor with his paws for you =^-/-^= meow!! Still have a lot to clean yet, but at least it is manageable, instead of me freaking out and trying to figure out where to start. Also I had written down all of my debts and it comes out to $16,000 which totally bites. Time for a bankruptcy I suppose. Slowly I am trying to get my life together, and I really hope I can go to school and make something out of myself. Cannot be a Barista all my life… It looms over me though in the worst way. It seems like such a hurdle. I do feel slightly loserish that the friends I found again have good jobs and boyfriends, most of them anyhow. Last week I had requested some info from LA Recording school and they called and wanted to interview me which is strange as I never heard of a school doing that. I think the tuition is $24,000 which seems so impossible, such a dream. It is so hard to get ahead to me in my mind as I am saddled with so much crap that inhibits me from moving ahead. I am constantly asking people how they did it, but I do not really get an answer that pleases me. It is strange for me to see my old blogs and see how angry and hurt I was. I do not feel so mental about it all anymore, as I need to do this fight for myself or lose. I find it hard to occupy myself most of the time, I am such a strange person always studying others. Something I enjoy is finding out facts about people and music. I wish there was some way for me to make a career out of this. Life is so twisty and strange I do not know what is ever going to come next, I just pray for luck and do my best I suppose. I have been super good with not smoking any bad things and taking pills that aren’t so good either. It has been 2 months and I cannot believe I made it thus far. I thought my detox would be the cure, but when Luc left me it was very very hard to not fall back into that routine. Yes I am sad I have no one to love. It makes me feel super lonely but I think the universe is trying to make me self sufficient in its own fucked up way. At least I have my friends and family back. I still have connections with everything which is good for me, as I tended to throw away things and move on, but I feel like stretched out through earth to all these amazing people. I do like attention, it make me feel special. But it has to be the right kind of attention. I do not like to be stared at, and judged but I do if the person is going to be nice as pie. I can return the love ten-fold. So who knows what lurks around lifes jagged corners for me. I am so worried about the future it paralyzes me but I am learning to let that go slowly.

Brother and Stina’s pic of ground zero