Happy anniversary to me.

Haven’t written in a long long time. Things are very different for me lately. First off its been about a year since I had this blog and I think it was such a nice release of negative energy for me. So things for me are not so dire. I live with some awesome people now. NOT HOMELESS like I thought I would end up. Living with an ex boyfirend from about 13 years ago that I had ran away from home with and his current boyfriend. They are fantastically talented performers in one of Las Vegas longest running drag shows. They are my new family and I feel so comfortable with them. I am no longer isolated, angry, depressed and hooked on psychotic drugs to keep me sane. My ex bf Alex his current boy is named Daniel and is a bigger anglophile than me! =0) We have spent the past 3 weeks drooling over British and Australian gems of music and tv. He helped me discover a l lot of stuff I did not know existed. He has the same sleeping schedule as me which is lovely! A lot of stuff has gone on since the end of August and the end of a painful past. I will not bore you with the details. I just know I am truly happy and content. Still unemployed, but the outlook is not as bleak and my will is stronger. My social anxiety has all but disappeared. I want to take the world by storm and do what I wanna do to become something better for myself. It is so strange how things run on this crazy wave of up and down in life. I have realized I do not write as much when I am happy as when I am miserable I just want to get it down on here and analyze the fuck out of it and express to the world my immense pain. When I am happy I am too busy enjoying it. I find it hard to express my happiness. There are too many details that seem to take more energy to write than negativity. I no longer want to die. Still getting counseling. My health is decent. I am just happy to have friends that understand me. People I WILL NOT take for granted.

The last time we left off I was shuffled off to a hospital for a psych hold as I was trippin out on my sister and I scared the fuck out of her. The hospital was going to keep me for a 3 day hold to make sure I didn’t end it. I managed to talk my way out in 8 hours and left said hospital walking around in a slight daze trying to get back to the sanctity of my isolation on in the condo on the mountain. It was very very difficult. It made things so much worse for me. How can there be so much pain that occurs in ones life? After another week of being stuck in that condo I finally got a storage unit and moved in with a girlfriend for 3 weeks. This is the girl who takes massive amounts of pills and was a terrible influence on my being. None the less I was still subjecting myself to more pain and covering it up with massive amounts of opiates and benzodiazapines as well as weed. I have since realized that these drugs were killing me slowly and making me feel more depressed and feel like shit. Then I got an offer out of the blue from my ex Alex to live with him and his boy across town by the college. The part of town I would escape to as a teenager to this cafe by the university. It is much more city orientated than where I was high in the suburbs. It is a lot more easier to get around on public transport for me now, and takes a hell of a lot less time to get to destinations. Living in a gay household is also good for my soul. I do not feel so alone in this world. Genuine happiness. Without chemicals. I never want to feel the way I did when we last left off. NEVER AGAIN. Learning to never take things for granted as they can be taken away from you in a flash. Learning a bit more about how karma works also is keeping me in check. I am still tempted to do bad things like drugs, but the urge is getting a bit more less.

I have gone out more and been more social than I have in the past 8 years in the past 3 weeks. This is such a change for me. Life is so crazy. But one thing is that I will never ever forget the amazing people that I have come across. I seriously know the most interesting brilliant humans that walk the face of this earth. They range in so many different classes in society and this is something I LOVE. I love to know a variety of people. All of them creative in their own ways.

This time around I will make sure to not set myself up for failure. Things must only get better for me and this is my mission. The next 13 years will be very very thrilling and interesting and by the time 13 years passes I think the work I will put forth will put me in a place that I dream about at this current time.

Much love to all of you. And may only happiness and love come your way.

Lüscher color test. So accurate it scares me..

Generated on Fri, 21 Aug 2009 19:40:45 -0700

Jeremy’s Existing Situation

“Organized and detail-oriented, he has a very precise and methodical manner. He needs relationships which offer him understanding, respect, and approval.”

Jeremy’s Stress Sources

“Looking to stand out in the crowd and wanting to keep his rank and status. His current situation is irritating him because he can’t seem to find anybody out there who values the same high standards he does. He is feeling isolated and wants to give in to his carnal urges, but can’t bring himself to appear weak in the eyes of others. Wants others to see his unique qualities and character but can’t stand to come off as needy, so instead he has an “”I don’t care”” attitude and pushing people away. He turns his back on those who criticizes his behavior, but beneath his indifference is a person who is in desperate need of approval.”

Jeremy’s Restrained Characteristics

Current events leave him feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Is bothered when his needs and desires are misunderstood and he feels there is no one to turn to or rely on. His self-centered attitude can cause him to be easily offended.

Applies tough standards to his potential partner and demands an unrealistic perfection in his sex life.

Is bothered when his needs and desires are misunderstood and he feels there is no one to turn to or rely on. His self-centered attitude can cause him to be easily offended.

Current events leave him feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Jeremy’s Desired Objective

“Needs peaceful surroundings. Looking for relief from stress, conflict, and arguments. Tries to control potentially harmful situations and arguments by treading lightly. Is sensitive, emotional, and has an eye for detail.”

Jeremy’s Actual Problem

Disappointed because his hopes have not come to pass and he fears coming up with new goals will only lead to further disappointment. These conflicting emotions lead to a feeling of anxiety and depression. He tries to escape into a peaceful and calm relationship which offers encouragement and protection from further disappointment.

Jeremy’s Actual Problem #2

“Wants to be valued and respected, seeks a close and peaceful relationship with a shared respect of each other.”

Lately

Don’t worry if the sun don’t shine
You’ve seen it before, you don’t need to worry
Every day’s an uphill climb, nothing has changed
Believe me when I tell ya


Well I think my Prozac must be kicking in as I am not crying for 6 hours a day and cutting myself with the green box cutter. (lame)
I have exhausted all of my options in life and my frustration at my impulse control disorder (compulsive skin picking or dermatillimania mixed with trichotillomania or pulling out strands of hair) is now making me decide to commit myself to an inpatient treatment center (or psych ward) I found some interesting information about my condition. Even though I was recently diagnosed by a psychologist with generalized anxiety disorder and ocd, I am in full belief I have an impulse control disorder. Reading about it I have discovered I may have more endorphin receptors in my brain than the usual human being. Also my glutamate is over reacting and sending crazy signaling in my brain.. So I may start taking a supplement that has recently been proven to abolish impulse disorders and addictions, like nail biting, skin picking, gambling problems, promiscuous sexual encounters; ect. That supplement is N-Acetyl Cysteine. It is also a powerful antioxidant and mucolytic therapeutic. It decreases the aforementioned glutamate levels in the human body which in turn reduce the need for endorphin picking fun. At times my arms can look as bad as this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Derma_me.JPG >and after the week of having the interview and not getting the job and a Starbux canceling my other interview my arms and face are ravaged.. I seriously need better help than what I have been seeking. So today after I sleep I get to call psych wards and treatment centers for an assessment. My entire life is pretty much shitty. I have but a month left on my lease and I can no longer afford this condo. I have NO idea where I may live and actually have planned on going to a sober living house after I move my stuff into a storage unit and go through a treatment center. Yes I am going to end up in a half way house. Last week I truly thought I lost my mind, and when I lose my mind I call Mark and ask him over and over “what the hell happened to us” and “this wasn’t supposed to happen to our lives” he was supposed to stay with me and not do the bad drug he did and we were supposed to become musicians and possibly djs. He has the music theory and I knew a lot about “electronica” and somehow that was supposed to make things happen. He was supposed to cut an album many times over for theatre organ as he is one of the best organ players in the world. He was going to teach me piano so I could conquer the mystifying synthesizer world and be more than prepared for it. But our lives slowly fell apart. Now I sit on benefit and wonder why I made the bad mistakes I did and constantly worry myself about how I am going to end up homeless and sick. Sick with HIV and possibly cancer and a killer pneumonia. I feel so scarred that no one would ever hire my crazy ass.
So I will die in a Las Vegas alley poor, alone, and in the 117 degree weather.
Speaking of 117 degrees I spent 6 hours traveling by bus across town to get to my counselor who had convinced me to go into a inpatient treatment center. Yes I fared the hell weather and on my way home I hauled the meager groceries I had obtained from the St Therese shelter food bank up the mountainous road of W Alexander RD. I froze a gallon of water thankfully or I seriously would have perished or spontaneously combusted. That was all too much fun, yes I love how humans have settled in one of the most unforgiving deserts on earth that is liken to HELL.. Where if you supposedly spend more than 10 minutes outside the shade “you burn”. And there has always got to be “the heat warning advisory” on the news through the end of July and beginning of August.. As you can tell I absolutely hate summers here. Who the hell likes this burning hell of a hell? Stupid lame shitty people… I would rather freeze my ass off chasing my spinning out on the ice car in the mid west or east coast any day of the year than deal with another summer here. A place where YOU DIE if you do not have air conditioning.
Oliver the cat has been licking a spot on his arm that is now bald, and I have no idea why. I just know he spends a abnormally large amount of time grooming himself everyday and he is THE softest cat I have ever touched. He has silky soft fur! I love it, but I think he has an impulse control disorder like I do. I wake up to him grooming me most mornings. Yes he licks my head constantly and it feel like I am being sandpapered..
I have been on Prozac for 32 days now and I have this strange dull headache. But I did stop crying. I do not feel particularly happy or motivated or nor have I stopped picking at my body ripping scars off my arms and bleeding all over the place… So much for antidepressants. At least I gave this one a chance and actually took it daily and even increased the dosage on referral from the latest psychiatrist. I feel strangely numb.. I still worry and pick, but now I don;t give a shit what happens to my fate. I am so sick of worrying and freaking out that I just do not fucking care. If I end up homeless then that is my destiny. If I lose all my stuff, furniture, belongings, memories, photos; then that is just how it rolls, hell I have lost my car, my job and my boyfriend, as well as my mother and an education and a decent career. Might as well be everything. I kind of give up. When my family tells me I am not trying hard enough it kills me even more. I have been going to doctors and counseling and a few psychiatrists. I have applied for 20 different jobs and only had 1 interview and a request then canceled interview that would have I would have totally rocked. Oh well. Homeless bastard is my destiny.
Anyhow I would have been very short on my last month of rent and had a possible eviction. But somehow, someway Mark intervened and has sent me $150. He basically saved my ass.If I were to get over this low point and hole that I am buried in, the last thing I would want on my record is an eviction. So yeah instead of enjoying the last month in my condo with my kitty, I will be in a psych ward.
I avoided going to a BBQ at my brothers house as it was my nephews B day party. Well it was the second party they threw as they had gone camping the week before and my family including my absent-in-my-life-father had gone, but I didn’t go as I do not own a tent and I had those interviews I wanted to prepare for. So yeah my sister made me feel guilty by saying it looks bad that my brother has given me money to help me out and taken me to interviews and I do not show up for my nephews party. Well I had nothing to give, no gift guilt and my social phobia about being around 30 people kicked in, so I flaked. Then got the guilt trip. Now I am too afraid to call my brother. He will just tell me that I should be living off re fried beans and tortillas and looking for work by standing with the migrant workers at Star Nursery or Home Depot. As he was a landscaper for a very long time and I guess I am just a pussy at life. I must not try very hard. I never really had a good mentor or parent that really taught me how to succeed and feel positive. I mostly got fear struck into my soul from my abusive alcoholic mother. As well as no direction from my father that now suddenly feels guilty about abandoning me. (But has not bothered to reach out to me) I say over and over that I was not prepared very well for life. I’ve also been told I need to re parent myself. I also am in full belief that I am the only person that will make anything out of myself and I know the values of hard work. I know that I want an education but the monetary aspect of it always makes me fail. I am a high school drop out as well. I have been working since I was 14 years old and as soon as I turned 18 I have worked full time 40+ hours a week. But I still have not amounted to anything. And my family keeps telling me I do not try hard enough. do they understand that I have been trying as hard as I know how to? That I have been covering up pain and dealing and surviving by taking drugs? It took a counselor and a psychiatrist to point this out… They also pointed out that I have been trying as best as I know how and I do deserve some sort of credit. But I guess that cycle of abuse in my family perpetuates. I know my sister will be a good mother, as she will want her son to have what she did not. As well as not having her son experience the hell that my mother had put her through. I think my brother will expect a lot from his son. My brother might have a cancerous thyroid and I should call him I do feel bad, but I am still afraid of him and I cannot stress out anymore than the box cutting my wrists moment.
Yes I am disgusted with life and no longer no my way. I am not successful, and I dwell on the negative. I also have huge insecurities.

Tormented ridiculousness

Well it is well past 4am in Vegas. High up here in the mountains- I actually took a walk down to the pool where I live. I have lived here for 3 years in this condo and have never swam in it. I used to like swimming, but I have issues. On the way I had an ingenious idea to thwart the many many roaches and water bugs that love to jump out in front of me> SPRAY BOTTLE! So if I see the creepy bastards in my foot path I just spray and they scurry for the lava rocks. I have a huge fear of roaches and bugs. Huge huge fear. If one runs in front of me I will not smoosh it with my foot instead I jump back and squeal like a little girl. It must be hilarious for my neighbors to see me walking to get the mail at night… But I gots the spray bottle now roach fuckers.. Speaking of roaches, as you may know well that they are everywhere, they especially proliferate Las Vegas. In my neighborhood I have the tan ones that fly incoherently and the big black ones that are actaully “water beetles”. And the occasional German Roach. So I remember my sister telling me to put out a jar of used coffee grounds and water near the stucco walls of my condo to “catch and drown” these nasty bugs. So I did. In 5 days and well after the water dried up- the jar was literally half full of a mass of dead roach bodies being consumed by a writhing mass of still alive roaches. UGHHH. OMFG OMFG.. I couldnt stand to look at it. I thought to myself- how the hell am I going to dispose of this jar of roach hell? I mean really I was the boy who at my mothers house if there was a roach in the bathtub I would douse the bastard with hairspray and then get a shovel and rake from the garage to get said bastard roach out of bathtub. Then clorox the fuck out of the tub. This is how mental I am about bugs.. I remember picking my dirty clothes up from the bathroom floor once as a child as I was in deep shit for leaving them there, and inside the clothes came out a “water beetle” roach to me and climbed up the side of me to my arm pit. I freaked the fuck out and literally had a seizurish reaction whilst screaming around the house.. EWWWWWWWWW I fucking hate bugs.. I also remember getting out of the bathtub once and going to turn off the light as I left and there was no wall plate as my family was painting the bathroom, and my finger slipped into the wall socket where the switched is housed. And this is an older house mind you, so there I am wet standing in a bit of water and my finger touches copper screw of the switches power cord inside the wall. ZAPPP! I was totally electrocuted. I remember feeliing it all over my body. This current seizing all my muscles. It was just for a split second, but enough to make me cry. I also remember being quite small and taking a bath in that tub when suddenly the power went out, me stuck inthe dark, alone, in water.. I was so scared. I cried so hard. So you can guess I really do not like taking baths. I am a shower person.
Anyhow I wrote a blog 2 days ago that was like preverbail throw up on the screen. I suppose I just needed to get it out. But it was quite awful. I ended the bit of writing with my sexual exploits as a teenager and young adult. I was basically trying to convince myself that I am the only person I blame for my HIV as I was very unsafe in my sexual adventures. No body needed to hear about drugged out orgies or my deep deep love for Mark. But I needed to write that. When I was 14 I knew I had fallen in love very hard for Mark. I wanted to be around him no matter what. I thought he was genius and he is. He is a musical prodigy.He has an amazing talennt with theatre organ and piano. I think honestly he is the best pianist I have ever had the chance of bothering to listen to besides Jan. I mean Mark is amazing, he is one of the best organists in the world. Nothing NOTHING beats or compares to the time he played a huge huge massive organ inside a pizza parlour in Vegas at the Feista casino. I would always go when he practiced and when he played for public. I would be back stage and I would have acces to the both sides of this massive organ inner workings full of pipes bells switches tubes and everything you could possibly put on an organ. I would listen to the air pump start up and it literally sounded like an air turbin engine on a plane gearing up for take off. And then I would walk around both rooms huge huge rooms of these pipes and drums as he played feeling every note pass through me like if you were to lay on a 50,000 watt sound system speaker at a rave. It was glorious to have musical waves bellowing through my body. Deep basses pounding through my entirety. So my sister wonders why I do not blame him for my HIV. I cant, I was just as unsafe as he was… I was upset he knew he was positive before I found out I was and he didnt tell me. But I am not upset with him. I feared HIV alot as I knew about it. I knew I was supposed to be safe, but I wasnt most of the time.
Anyhow today I am out of my HIV drug. I am also out of food. For dinner I had rice and pineapple which was very unsatisfying. I am actaully quite hungry and my tummy is rumbling. But this is the price I pay for the mistakes I have made. I just checked and my unemployment has been credited to the little debit card they give us poor people. They shorted me $2 So I got $261 for this weeks ration. I cannot use it for food. I have to go to a food bank which is thankfully next door to my counslor. Or hope my bro and sis buy me some food. But they have done a hell of a lot for me the past few months. So I am too afraid to ask for anything else. I know it has got to be hard for them in this economy and all with children. It is now 5 am and the sun is creeping up. It is a beautiful sorbet orange and blue through the view of my window over the stairs with the Lone Mountain in the foreground.
Today was hard for me. My house was quite messy. And I am poor out of food and out of HIV drugs. So I spent a few hours crying into my cat on my bed. Holding him and saying I was sorry that I have failed at life ths far and that the house was so messy. He responded with a few dischordant meows. I think he forgives me. He understands and only want to be fed his treats and play laser pointer to try to get me to stop crying I think… SO I got up and I did the impossible of cleaning my filthy kitchen and livingroom. I am a little more content now. I do not feel so gross. I am still depressed. I actaully forgot to take a dose of my prozac. Opps. I found some chicken breast in the freezer that my sister had given me. And I actaully have some olive oil left and of course spices. So tommorow its all about the rice and the hopefully edible chicken. I still have a phobia about cooking my own meat. Yes I know it is strange, but I always over cook the meat in fear I will get sick. Also handling raw meat of any kind freaks me out. It is just gross. I also cannot stand eggs cooked for myself. I have to disect the little white thing connected to the yellow embryo, i do believe this is what the chicken would be or is supposed to grow into. I dunno it is just disgusting to me. SO besides bath, roach and social fears, I fear food. I really do not know what the fuck is wrong with my brain.
I crave a hamburger soooooooooooo bad though. I can fist down fast food like no one buisiness. I am just used to crappy food. Waiting fo rmy mom to come home from the bar with greasy bar food as a child really rubbed off on me. Do not get me wrong, she cooked as well. And she cooked really good stuff. But I never payed too much attention. I do miss comfort food she would make such as cheesy eggs on jewsih rye bread which is a bastardization of welsh rarebit. YUMM so good. It is basically eggs scrambled with Kraft Olde English cheese in a jar on Jewish rye bread with of course delicious bacon. You can tell I am actually starving now.. I keep day dreaming about food. I really need to take my Seroquel (antipsychotic that makes me sleep well) and go to bed. But Seroquel has this other deep side effect of making me as hungry as if you had just smoked a joint. Hungry for carbs and sweet. Which I really have none of currently. FUCK. I really need to get myself together. I am so afraid that I will be working at Denny’s but I really have no choice now. Well I am off to sulk and think of failure with my cat under my blanket sleeping waiting to wake me up after no good sleep so I can feed him once again (he is getting so fat!).