Never 4 Ever

It’s December already. Almost 2010. It’s been months of me not writing and losing the grasp of tumblarity and its slightly newish look. Incredibly I have no desire to write unless I am completely miserable. So me not writing is a good thing in ways. There is so much I want to say and so many experiences I want to evoke with writing that has happened over the past few months. We will start off with my security and addiction issues. I was secure for a couple months. Moved into a better situation than the last few years of my isolation and constant substance abuse. But that security is now up for grabs and I am now back to where I was before in my mind. An instance of panic and morbid thoughts. What will happen to me, what bad things will occur. I am always in this state of mind. A state of negativity and fear. I know when I was a child that this was brought to me full force and I just keep living this trauma over and over as I wallow in it. At someo point my mind could have been usefull for humanity. I just never took advantage of my brain. I want to live in another dimension of sheer mind, no body, no pain of any level. Almost like a floating dream of a constant orgasm you get from sex, eating, music, love… Barely animated heavy with a different conciousness. A world of your own, you control the music and visuals for your own soundtrack, or utter silence as if you fell into the deepest part of the oceans and had industrial strength earplugs in.. You just float on an opoid canniboid lull of awake and asleep. You have no worries of reality. Is this death without pain? AS you step older into this life it seems to get more complicated, more painful, more responsible. It hurts, pain in so many forms and the pleasure is none to much and addicting. I feel like such a dolt, a retard, why couldnt I learn. Why am I not viewed as smart as I like to make myself believe. Are we all just actors in life. The world is very different within my brain. Maybe too pleasurable. Too euphoric. I doubt people could take it. It would numb you as my pain does me. I can be everything in my brain, but nothing in reality.

Haven’t written in a long long time. Things are very different for me lately. First off its been about a year since I had this blog and I think it was such a nice release of negative energy for me. So things for me are not so dire. I live with some awesome people now. NOT HOMELESS like I thought I would end up. Living with an ex boyfirend from about 13 years ago that I had ran away from home with and his current boyfriend. They are fantastically talented performers in one of Las Vegas longest running drag shows. They are my new family and I feel so comfortable with them. I am no longer isolated, angry, depressed and hooked on psychotic drugs to keep me sane. My ex bf Alex his current boy is named Daniel and is a bigger anglophile than me! =0) We have spent the past 3 weeks drooling over British and Australian gems of music and tv. He helped me discover a l lot of stuff I did not know existed. He has the same sleeping schedule as me which is lovely! A lot of stuff has gone on since the end of August and the end of a painful past. I will not bore you with the details. I just know I am truly happy and content. Still unemployed, but the outlook is not as bleak and my will is stronger. My social anxiety has all but disappeared. I want to take the world by storm and do what I wanna do to become something better for myself. It is so strange how things run on this crazy wave of up and down in life. I have realized I do not write as much when I am happy as when I am miserable I just want to get it down on here and analyze the fuck out of it and express to the world my immense pain. When I am happy I am too busy enjoying it. I find it hard to express my happiness. There are too many details that seem to take more energy to write than negativity. I no longer want to die. Still getting counseling. My health is decent. I am just happy to have friends that understand me. People I WILL NOT take for granted.

The last time we left off I was shuffled off to a hospital for a psych hold as I was trippin out on my sister and I scared the fuck out of her. The hospital was going to keep me for a 3 day hold to make sure I didn’t end it. I managed to talk my way out in 8 hours and left said hospital walking around in a slight daze trying to get back to the sanctity of my isolation on in the condo on the mountain. It was very very difficult. It made things so much worse for me. How can there be so much pain that occurs in ones life? After another week of being stuck in that condo I finally got a storage unit and moved in with a girlfriend for 3 weeks. This is the girl who takes massive amounts of pills and was a terrible influence on my being. None the less I was still subjecting myself to more pain and covering it up with massive amounts of opiates and benzodiazapines as well as weed. I have since realized that these drugs were killing me slowly and making me feel more depressed and feel like shit. Then I got an offer out of the blue from my ex Alex to live with him and his boy across town by the college. The part of town I would escape to as a teenager to this cafe by the university. It is much more city orientated than where I was high in the suburbs. It is a lot more easier to get around on public transport for me now, and takes a hell of a lot less time to get to destinations. Living in a gay household is also good for my soul. I do not feel so alone in this world. Genuine happiness. Without chemicals. I never want to feel the way I did when we last left off. NEVER AGAIN. Learning to never take things for granted as they can be taken away from you in a flash. Learning a bit more about how karma works also is keeping me in check. I am still tempted to do bad things like drugs, but the urge is getting a bit more less.

I have gone out more and been more social than I have in the past 8 years in the past 3 weeks. This is such a change for me. Life is so crazy. But one thing is that I will never ever forget the amazing people that I have come across. I seriously know the most interesting brilliant humans that walk the face of this earth. They range in so many different classes in society and this is something I LOVE. I love to know a variety of people. All of them creative in their own ways.

This time around I will make sure to not set myself up for failure. Things must only get better for me and this is my mission. The next 13 years will be very very thrilling and interesting and by the time 13 years passes I think the work I will put forth will put me in a place that I dream about at this current time.

Much love to all of you. And may only happiness and love come your way.

Generated on Fri, 21 Aug 2009 19:40:45 -0700

Jeremy’s Existing Situation

“Organized and detail-oriented, he has a very precise and methodical manner. He needs relationships which offer him understanding, respect, and approval.”

Jeremy’s Stress Sources

“Looking to stand out in the crowd and wanting to keep his rank and status. His current situation is irritating him because he can’t seem to find anybody out there who values the same high standards he does. He is feeling isolated and wants to give in to his carnal urges, but can’t bring himself to appear weak in the eyes of others. Wants others to see his unique qualities and character but can’t stand to come off as needy, so instead he has an “”I don’t care”” attitude and pushing people away. He turns his back on those who criticizes his behavior, but beneath his indifference is a person who is in desperate need of approval.”

Jeremy’s Restrained Characteristics

Current events leave him feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Is bothered when his needs and desires are misunderstood and he feels there is no one to turn to or rely on. His self-centered attitude can cause him to be easily offended.

Applies tough standards to his potential partner and demands an unrealistic perfection in his sex life.

Is bothered when his needs and desires are misunderstood and he feels there is no one to turn to or rely on. His self-centered attitude can cause him to be easily offended.

Current events leave him feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Jeremy’s Desired Objective

“Needs peaceful surroundings. Looking for relief from stress, conflict, and arguments. Tries to control potentially harmful situations and arguments by treading lightly. Is sensitive, emotional, and has an eye for detail.”

Jeremy’s Actual Problem

Disappointed because his hopes have not come to pass and he fears coming up with new goals will only lead to further disappointment. These conflicting emotions lead to a feeling of anxiety and depression. He tries to escape into a peaceful and calm relationship which offers encouragement and protection from further disappointment.

Jeremy’s Actual Problem #2

“Wants to be valued and respected, seeks a close and peaceful relationship with a shared respect of each other.”